heart

leaf shaped like a heart

 I don't know if I could trust you. It's not that you are bad... I've just been hurt too many times.

snoopy heart cake

You can make me infatuated, you can make me obsessed, you can even make my emotions go all over the place. But these are my self-defence mechanisms... to protect myself from the wounds of the past... which I can't heal from.

I don't know how to give my heart to anyone, anymore.

eggshells

When a lot of people and friends hang out with me... I can appear very strong... as if I don't have a single worry... I focus on what I have: career, friends,... etc.

It just seems comfortable putting on a mask and having a shell to "protect me". I won't be someone's liability or having a "perfect" "flawless" life seems easier to be friends with.

but the reality is I'm not.

I am nowhere strong. It might be hard to believe but sometimes I would hide under my blankets and cry... feel insecure and not know what to do. The reality is... I am lost. While I do have a "career" I don't have a direction. I have friends, but those who I can really share with... and not feel that one day they will hurt me are very few.

Betrayal in the past has created multiple wounds that I am still learning to cope with, live with and heal from. But it is hard.

I always thought I have healed from most... but my self defense tells me otherwise. It is difficult for me to fully trust people.

I have tried to give it to God... but just when I thought I have given it all, I realize there are still so much left... I am exhausted.

Why do people like to hurt others? :'(.

surreal... another era....

Stephanie from Gotanda English Village

well... that's it... I'm actually quite sad when I see this wall... I watched as my profile was slowly and carefully removed... I still remember how proud I was when these two profiles were posted and how excited I got when my students saw my picture and then saw "me"... 

Stephanie from Shibuya Miyamatsuzaka English Village

but this will be my past... filled with great friendships and relationships that will continue. A lot of people don't understand what it is like to work in an Eikaiwa... but I treasured every moment I had with my students. It was always so rewarding hearing their stories and trying to help them solve their problems or even answering some of their difficult questions. It was like meeting friends every day and helping them. I really liked my job.

But despite it all, I have no regrets during my time at English Village.

The season of English teaching ended... now to another exciting season :)

heart felt

summer dress with Rebecca Minkoff M.A.C. mini purse

Today was... an... interesting day. As minor as it may seem... (and this is the rape culture talking...) I was... sexually harassed on the subway. (for those wondering, I am fine now). 

I was on a fairly empty train so it was normal for me to get a seat. Right as I sat down, I started to do what I usually do, use my phone and catch up with people and respond to messages. A few stops later, while still on my phone, I was aware a few more people have gotten in front of me but it still didn't seem crowded. While still on my phone minding my own business, I started noticing someone's leg getting between mine's...  at first, I thought it might have been an accident, but he seemed to be invading my personal space to the extent it has caught my attention. When I looked up, I saw a man lurking over me, he had a book in his hands which were literally inches from my face. He pretended to read his book while trying to push his leg between mine's. I also noticed that the train wasn't crowded at all.

My first instinct was giving him the "WTF" look,  I tried to move away from him, at first, he tried to follow me, I started getting worried... and I continued to move away (I was sitting down so it was a bit tough to move very far) but fortunately, his stop came and he left...

I am ok now but am traumatized as how this could have happened. Ladies (and gentlemen)... please be careful... sexual harassment can happen anywhere and at any time! Always be aware of your surroundings.

p.s. I wasn't sitting like how it looks in the picture during the incident, I had to sit like this because I wanted to take a picture of my dress and purse 😅

Pokemon and Japan

It is actually quite strange... how it seems my relationship with Japan has something to do with Pokemon.

I still remember the first time I came to Japan (with my mom when I was only 11 years old), Pokemon was just starting to become popular in Canada... I remember fascinating over the amount of Pokemon, Miffy (back then I didn't know who Miffy was), Hello Kitty and Dragonball Z merchandise there was. I remember seeing a big Pikachu Plushie.

Fast forward to 2016. This is the first time I have decided to leave home and live in a foreign country by myself. With the help of God, I ended up settling in Japan... for those who are aware (who wouldn't be aware) Pokemon Go launched... causing a crazy infatuation over the new location-based augmented reality game. 

When I talk to people about Pokemon, it brings back so many memories: childhood memories, my first impressions of Japan/Tokyo... I remembered after that first trip, I decided that I would like to live in Japan some day... and look where I am... almost 20 years later...

It's strange where life can take us...

The Moon's romance

see how big and beautiful the moon is

(English below)今晚覺得個月光好靚... 唔經唔覺已經好來冇望個月光了...上次應該有一個月了... 依一個月好難過...

其實... 由細致大都唔明點解月光會代表“愛”... 明明好遠...

當我諗返雖然你我的實則距離無依個月光咁遠... 可惜... 我們兩個心比依個月光的距離仲遠...

點解會咁... 太奇怪... 雖然我對依個月光咁遠但係最起碼都可以見到佢... 但係你... 我已經好耐冇見過了

______________________________________________________________________________

While walking home tonight, I looked up and noticed how beautiful the moon is. It has already been a month since I have noticed the moon (the last time being Mid-Autumn festival). I can't believe it has already been a month... I had a tough month... but I still have hope.


I always wondered why the moon represents love. Why do ancients of different cultures always viewed the moon as romantic and represents love?


While looking at the moon, I couldn't help but noticed just how far the moon is... in fact... it is much further than the "physical" distance between us... yet... the distance between our hearts is much further away... perhaps further than Pluto.


I don't understand what has happened... you aren't that much far (as is the moon to be... physically) yet...  the distance between our hearts is so far... what I once thought that were only a few inches has grown to the size of the solar system.  

Even if the moon is far... I can still see it... but you... it has been a long time... you just... disappeared...